MollieShea on Death, Dying, and Showing Up with Care

There’s something about hearing a voice that reading just can’t capture.

In this 17-minute presentation, MollieShea shares her personal story, what led her to become a death doula and licensed funeral director, and why this work matters so deeply. It’s not polished or scripted—it’s real. Just like the work.

Whether you’re exploring end-of-life planning for yourself or someone you love, this is a chance to get to know the person behind Clover End-of-Life Navigation.

🎙️ Listen Here:

Full Transcript:
(0:00 – 0:06)
My first name is MollieShea. My last name is Stephens. It’s okay if you call me Mollie, I won’t be bothered.

(0:06 – 0:21)
I am an end-of-life doula. The word doula comes from an ancient Greek word meaning women who serve. Of course, not all doulas are women, and we don’t all do the same service.

(0:22 – 0:39)
Today I’m going to go over some of the basics, some general things that most doulas will offer to their client families. So, who am I? I am a massage therapist. I’ve been a massage therapist for 18 years.

(0:40 – 1:15)
I specialize in chronic conditions, pain management, and geriatric massage. My mom died in 2018, and we were really fortunate that we had some time to prepare and get organized and plan some stuff before she died. But I still had to do a lot of my own research and learn about the dying process, what to expect, and how to manage it all.

(1:15 – 2:05)
That was my first experience with being so involved in getting things ready and planning for someone’s funeral and making those kind of arrangements. And that is what led me to death care. I wanted to be for other families what I needed during that time, the person that I wanted to have.

In 2020, I did my first training with Enelda, which is the international end-of-life doula association. Since then, I’ve done several workshops with lots of other groups and organizations, some different courses and seminars. I’ve been very lucky to get to work with a couple of death care mentors as well.

(2:06 – 2:45)
I graduated from the funeral directing program at St. Louis Community College in December, and I will be taking my state board exam to get my license in April. So what is a death doula? Different death doulas are going to offer different services. I tell people that we aim to fill in the gaps that are left by society’s denial of death, and we offer practical, spiritual, and emotional support and guidance.

(2:46 – 2:57)
We come with lots of resources, and we have an education to share. This work is not new. It’s been around a long time.

(2:57 – 3:13)
It’s an ancient and sacred practice that has been done by lots of cultures, all of human history, all over the world. And although it’s historically been done mostly by women, I don’t think that’s necessarily the case anymore. I do think that that is shifting.

(3:14 – 3:44)
I know doulas who are psychic mediums, and I know doulas who are extremely talented craftspeople who can help make a legacy project, like a quilt or a scrapbook. You know, there’s many talents that they can tap into when it comes time to help a family. In our work, we let the ones facing death guide us.

(3:45 – 4:00)
We ask, how can we be helpful? Because the work’s not about the doula. It’s about the dying. We are not there to make it all better.

(4:01 – 4:11)
We are there to be present. We are in the moment. We hold space, and we make it possible to have some difficult conversations.

(4:13 – 4:31)
We let people be how they need to be. We’re interested in what some people will call a good death. Doulas are trained and non-medical professionals of extraordinary compassion and kindness.

(4:31 – 4:53)
Doulas bring unbiased, non-judgmental support to those who are near death. We’re called upon to provide comfort and calm and knowledge. There’s an author who, well, she’s a doctor and now an author and a speaker.

(4:53 – 5:15)
Her name is Dr. Sarah Kerr, and I was watching a video of hers a few weeks ago, and she said something that I really thought she got it right. Because she said, death is hard, and death is sad. That’s baked into the experience, but it doesn’t have to be scary.

(5:16 – 5:40)
I believe the difference between an unprepared and a prepared death has everything to do with community and what kind of network a person has access to. And the doulas make the support more accessible. There are a couple of different areas I would say the majority of doulas would cover.

(5:41 – 6:09)
That’s getting your affairs in order, elder care, like companionship for those who are single, widowed, you know, don’t have a lot of people around them. We facilitate conversations, sometimes really awkward and difficult conversations. And then we assist people as they work through fear and anxiety around death and dying and grief.

(6:10 – 6:39)
The first part I sometimes refer to as like the administrative tasks of necessary paperwork and documentation to ensure that your wishes are met and honored. The primary step for that is usually talking about a living will, sometimes called an advanced directive. A lot of people are familiar with the term DNR, which falls under that also.

(6:40 – 7:54)
So that’s one thing that we will address when we come to work with a family, if that’s what they need. That advanced directive gives clear instructions as to the medical choices when you can’t speak for yourself. And you don’t need a lawyer to complete that vital document, but it is extremely helpful to have.

I have seen that estate planning can save families money and prevent conflicts. Those problems are added trauma to an already bad time. If we can change that, that’s the goal.

Elder care would be getting to know someone, building that rapport and that trust with someone, and making sure the environment that they’re in meets their needs. Now, sometimes we’re asked to do things like open mail. So the family that we work with, we have to know that they trust us and that that communication is clear and honest.

(7:55 – 11:19)
So elder care, hospice volunteering, these are good opportunities for us to get to know the that may want to work with us. The talks can be tough. Most people want to avoid the topic.

We don’t make it easy to talk about death. We think that it is morbid and it can bring up a lot of emotion. Sometimes it’s easier to just change the subject, but talking about death won’t kill you.

It really is a true gift when you can sit down and learn about the things that were valuable and meaningful and important to someone. That can eliminate arguing and guessing. The duel is there to honor any sadness, anger and worry, but ensure that the dying person is heard.

Working through fear and anxiety is going to look different from person to person. Grief is totally unique and individual. Duels are a good resource.

We have referrals to counselors, we have therapists that we can recommend. I have gotten the chance to recommend things like TED Talks and classes, even TV shows and movies to my friends and relatives and the people that I work with. Those can help all of us feel less alone and less frozen in grief.

And I have gone to other doulas to get resources from them, too. It’s overwhelming to know where to start. Our goal is to transform not only the family experience of dying, but our cultural way of dealing with death, too.

Why would you want a doula? Why would you need a doula? Those reasons that people seek out a doula are varied. I recently heard doulas called, well, some doulas, the clergy of the unchurched, which I agree has been appropriate for me and what I have done. Sometimes we step into the role that may be occupied by a rabbi or minister, for someone who is Jewish or Christian.

But for those who don’t have faith to tap into, doulas can offer similar spiritual support that you might get from those organizations. Mostly in my practice, I have been brought in when the dying person has little to no local support. Either their relatives are very far away or they just cannot be there to go through the heirlooms or switch all the bills to online auto pay.

But I can. I can be here to do that. And I can keep the family updated as things change and be the go-between, be a proxy for them.

(11:21 – 11:33)
Another reason may be that the support group has little to no experience with the dying process. They don’t know what to expect. So they ask a doula to walk them through that.

(11:34 – 12:11)
When somebody is on hospice, the hospice team provides all the medications, all the equipment. They monitor the progress. They give directions, but they are limited.

They rarely have the time to really sit and just be with their patients, hold their hand, listen to the story of how they got their childhood nickname. Those nurses have several locations to visit every day. They’re also restricted by Medicare requirements, so they have to follow those guidelines.

(12:12 – 12:58)
They don’t get the benefit of that extra time to spend with families, but a doula can. We give caregivers a break too. Oftentimes, almost always, caregivers are overwhelmed and underrested.

So when a doula comes in, the caregiver can feel comfortable to leave, run errands, take a shower, take a nap, knowing that their person, their loved one is not alone. The doula is there if something happens. Another reason I refer to as bereavement brain, the brain fog that comes after losing someone very close to you.

(12:59 – 13:21)
Grief has a powerful effect on our ability to think clearly and make decisions. Doulas are often asked to be a sort of liaison between the family and the funeral home. That gives the group that just lost someone the time and the space to come together.

(13:23 – 14:01)
Evaluate their choices and not feel pressure to do so right away. The doula is sort of a buffer in those situations. You might ask when would be appropriate to call a doula or contact one.

It’s never too early to plan for the inevitable. You can hire a doula when no one is dying without any terminal diagnosis. Let’s say someone is worried about future disagreements.

They’ve tried to bring it up. They have been brushed off. They’re not being taken seriously.

(14:03 – 15:47)
A doula can be asked to mediate family discussions. That is something that I have been asked to do. In that case, nobody was dying, but they needed some help.

So they asked me to help and I did. If there is a burden to ease regarding death, a doula is a person you can contact. Even if they don’t have the tools right then and there, they will find them.

They will help you find them. They will get you to the person who can help you. I read that 10,000 people turn 65 every day in the United States.

We know that life-limiting diseases and accidents occur unexpectedly and all of the time. Doulas can reduce the confusion and mistrust when it comes to dealing with healthcare and funeral service industries. When a family has been impacted by a life-changing illness, when a death is imminent, even after someone has died, a doula can offer guidance.

It’s never too late also. Every person is worthy of many layers of support. When your independence diminishes, when you’re learning to cope with changes in capacity, if you’re interested in holistic care options or you have questions about green burial options, any of these times would be a good time to talk to a doula.

(15:47 – 16:16)
The American surgeon and writer Atul Gawande wrote something that I read the other day. I’ve read a bunch of his books. He’s really incredible.

I thought that it totally was right on the money for me. He says, the only way death is acceptable is because we as human beings live for something bigger than ourselves. That’s really the essence of death midwifery for me.

(16:17 – 17:03)
I don’t see dying as a medical event. I see dying as a part of being. Doulas are a part of being fully human in the face of death.

That’s what I have come to understand over the years of doing this work and what I continue to learn as I keep doing this work and meeting more people who do this work. I really care about it a lot and I see a need for it. And I am so very, very glad that you all came today.

Thank you so much. I hope you have questions too because I’m very happy to answer them.